i know today is not 8th of july n 8th was yesterday... but i really cannot help it n i MUST write down wat a lousy n sad day i had...before tat day i was so so excited n anticipating for tat day to come coz i can go out n hav fun wif johnny n carmen n king ji juz like how great it went laz laz sunday...
BUT all my hopes VANISH... tat day turns out to b such a terrible disaster... the sadness n disappoinment i felt was realy indescribable... i m NOT EXAGGERATING! it really hurts so so much... becoz of him!! how come tis always happens?? is it i owe him in my past life tat tis life i hav to get hurt by him so many times over n over agn!!! how many times is it gonna happen?? no matter how much i tel myself to take it easy n juz forget it.. I CANT COZ! he is NOT juz a fren! not JUZ an odinary fren to me... he is much much more than a fren to me... i want to treat him as JUZ a fren also but i cant... coz i very very soft-hearted towards him... no matter how many times he hurt me so so deeply, i stil fogive him at the end... i still go bck to him.. but not now not ever agn! i dun want it to b always me getting so upset becoz of him while he havin fun, laughing away wif his girl frens around.. he doesnt care! he doesnt!! its so so upsetting so so SAD!!!
b4 sunday, the whole week i had been thinking of wat to wear on sunday to look my best to go out wif him.. wat top to match my jeans? or mayb i shud wear a skirt? can u believe me?? i so want to impress tis guy here but to him i m his doll! his soft toy!! his sponge wat ever u call tat... until tat day oni i noe that i m so "important" to him... until tat day oni i noe where i stand in his heart... i m no where near special to him... all his words... all crap n me as dumb as ever believe every single word he sed no matter how many gazillion times i have heard those sweet talk... actually no! not until tat day oni i noe... actually i knew it all along... i knew it since the day we get together but why i keep on lying to myself tat he changed.. he is not gonna hurt me anymore.. he really treats me as a special fren.. he really cares bout me... all the while i couldnt make myself to believe the truth... i can say honestly until tis moment i stil trust him even thou so so dem freaking bloody deeply he hurt me...
u noe wat i did tat day?? tat was the worst of the worst days ever.. my dad at 1st already dun let me go out... u noe how hard is it for me to persuade him? we even quarrelled bcoz of tis... luckily my mum din disallow me to go... she never say anythin... actually i noe she likes me to go out wif johnny... she does! its so dem obvious.. even my cousins can tell that she likes him.. but wat's the point mum? tis guy here doesnt even like ur daughter one bit ok! anyway, tat day when i was in the car, i sms him.. NO REPLY den i called... NO ONE PICK UP.. called agn 2nd time.. NO ONE PICK UP AGN... after that I reach MV.. I called Carmen she said she cant contact him either.. dunno y at that moment I really wasn't worried at all.. I juz really believe tat he wil come n he wont he wont ffk.. he wont he's not like tat… on my way to MV n even when I walk to the cinema, even after I met Carmen n she told me tat she cant reach him n he is not here, I STIL STIL I SWEAR TO GOD I STIL BELIEVE THAT HE WIL COME… I tot of thousands of possibilities.. mayb his phone was in silent, mayb the lrt too noisy n he cant hear it ringing, mayb he is on his way rushing here dy.. mayb the lrt stuck half way so he is late.. mayb he went to church n it delayed awhile… tons n tons of maybs… but one thing I wil never hav tot of is the truth… I started to worry when it was our turn to get the tickets… shud I buy for him? Wil he come?? So many questions popped up in my mind.. in the end, I din buy his ticket, neither did I bought for myself.. wat u expect me to do? Watch together wif Carmen n her bf??????? Wil u even b willing to b tis huge, shiny lamp post?? Btw… u noe when I reached, I was already very depressed tat Johnny wasn't there n I cant contact him after SO SO SO MANY CALLS N SMS… but Carmen her main concern was her bf… I was depressed but al she sed was jo dun like tat… u noe Johnny la he always like tat one… den she keeps on trying to tum king ji coz he was angry wif her coz she took off his cap… omg give me a break! Ok!! I noe I hav no rights to blame her… I was just really really disappointd at that moment until I cant even think straight…
Carmen n king ji bought 2 movie tics n they went to watch transformers I tink… I din join them 1stly coz I watched it dy n wil b watchin wif my family at 6 o’clock… I dun wanna watch d movie 3 times. 2ndly I dun wan to b a huge lamp post. 3rdly n most importantly I really hav absolutely NO MOOD!! I was at the edge of crying already ok!! It suddenly reminds me of last time in form 4 when Johnny promised me to go to the mall wif me to celebrate may shan’s bday n in the end he din go n u noe wat… after school he din wait for me. ntg. den when I rushed to the lrt station, I saw him n all he said was I m not goin dy.. bye.. n den I just stood there n looked at him board the lrt n left. At that moment my heart really crushed n really heartbroken… I teared after that.. I cant comtrol my emotions.. al this while my emotions was not under my control.. but under his… I wil b happy when I c him happy.. when he's upset I wil b the same too.. everytime he got prob I oso wish I can b there to share it wif him n help him solve it… but tis time, in mv, I didn’t cry… I was juz as heartbroken as the lrt incident actually even more heartbroken but I guess its really too too upset or it is bcoz I cried too many times over tis person dy until no tears can fall for him anymore.. u might think tis is crap tat I m talking about… but no its true… its not tat I'm not sad, it is I m too sad..
After Carmen n king ji bought 2 tics they left for lunch then movies.. Carmen did asked me to join her but how could i? I was so low I dun wanna bring down their mood.. so I left them… I spent the WHOLE FIVE HOURS WANDERING THE WHOLE MV!!!! 5 COMPLETE HOURS ALONE!! Really ALONE!!! Juz walk n walk n walk… I din enter any shop… I was not in a mood for shopping anyway… everytime when I m sad I wil eat a lot a a lot … tats my way to release sadness… so after 2 hrs of wandering here n there alone… I went to mph n tried to read a book… but ntg went in absolutely ntg!! I read the 1 st page for 5 times n I stil dun get the story bcoz in my mind I kept on thinking bout him.. over n over agn… how can he do tis to me? Why cant he b here? Why does this happens to me? U noe.. I wont b tat depressed tat angry tat upset if he juz sincerely apologize.. all he needs to do is juz a call… n a sincere sry… tats it.. I would b fine… is tat too much to ask for? But sadly… he did none… I stil couldn’t believe truth until I received his 1 single only sms n tis was wat he sed : ‘hey sorry sorry I juz woke up… I m not feeling well le…’ omg!! I really really… my heart really juz crushed… I did reply him even thou I was super pissed dy… I sed no need come forever no need come… n after tat no reply from him any more until tis very moment… is tis wat he shud do? Juz completely ignore wat happened? Has he tot bout my feelings? Tat how hurt I was by him? No he din… these past few days… every time when I get a msg or a call, I really hope tat his name will appear… I really hope tat it was a call or msg form him to apologize… even thou I try very hard to shut him out of my mind but it din work… I even dreamt bout him! Gosh… even when I was walking, in the car, working, sitting standing, showering, sleeping I oso keep thinking bout him! Wat happened to me?
Really feel like crying every single day…
Tat day… after I went mph for half n hr, I went to the lower ground where the whole level sells food… then I juz kept on buying food n eat.. I ate auntie anne, dunkin donuts, cinnamon, 1901 hot dogs, tako, cupcakes n so on… n the weirdest of all I went to jusco n bought 3 packets of durian for rm 10 and sat on the bench by myself all alone n eat durian… I swear so many ppl were staring at me.. but I really din care bout image then… I juz really really super super heart broken I really dunno how to describe dy… its like my heart is bleeding so much n hurting so much…
Tis person, Johnny chong, even thou I noe I m not the person he loves most but he is to me a person that,
I used to love the most
I treasure the most
I never want to lose
I really hope to share all my happiness n sadness with
I cried the most times for
I hope wil care bout me
I hope will think n care bout my feelings
I hope wil b there for me when I m sad or down
Hurts me most deeply
Hurts me the most no of times
makes me think of him so much
Makes me cant ever let go of him
Makes me fall for him even thou he juz did a slightest sweet thing
Makes my heart melts even thou he juz said the word dear which he says to every single girl
Makes me so angry n yet stil wanna forgive him
Makes me miss him n wait for him
I m pathetic right? Like someone so deeply until like tat… I noe I m pathetic so from today onwards I already told n promised my self I m not gonna go bck to him… coz everytime something happens I m always the one who says sry 1st, the one who contact him 1st.. I never wanna b like that dy… I never ever wanna b like tat anymore… I wil NOT CONTACT HIM n WIL NOT FORGIVE HIM until he sincerely apologize… I cant keep on giving him… I m hurting myself like tat… I noe all his words are all lies, crap n bull shit… I really need to stop stop letting tis guy hurt me… if tis continues I dunno how I can stand bck up anymore… to this guy I really sam tam dy… really really sam tam… I have never felt so played b4:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
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