Love is so unpredictable..

juz now carmen called me... i was surprised to receive ther cal after so long coz she had been spending alot of time wif king ji since i came bck.. but in the call, she told me tat she n king ji broke up!! i was dem shocked!! she was crying n sobbing... i keep on asking her y... den she told me he was very rude to her, swear at her, ignore her calls, slam down the phone on her, din admit tat he was wrong, being super ego, wasnt sad of the incident tat happened n say tat she has an attitude!!! omg!! wtf tis tis guy's prob! i really feel angry n sad for her... she changed so so much for tis guy... last time, carmen chen was the one holding a relationship... she was the one who decides when to break up n when not to... but now she changed completely.. she give in so much to tis guy... did so many things for him... but he doesnt realise.. he oni tinks he is right all along... n he is the one upset n all.. tats so so so dem not fair!!! haihz... c carmen liddat i feel so sorry for her.. she is like following my footsteps... seeing her like tat is like looking bck at myself in the past... except tat johnny din swear at me... but he made fun of me in public, ask his frens to boycott me, tease me in front of everyone.. zhat me until i m speechless... completely shut me out of his life... haihz.... the past was so saddening... but the present is equally saddening... i m like lost contact wif him dy... din hear from him for a long time... its like he is shutting me out if his life agn... he is like a tornado... really... wanna come then come, destroy my feelings den wanna leave then leave, leaving my heart crushed to pieces... the damage can never b repaired... n its forever there n take a long long time to recover.. haihs...


today... my dear colleagues had a lil farewell for me at a restaurant... haha... was really happy n unexpected!! haha... i love the food n all.. but its dem fattening!! made me gained 1 kg ok!!
so far after i came bck til now i gained 3 kg dy!!!! i m dem fat!!! so SAD!! tmr must must EAT LESS~~~~~~ some more tonite's dinner ate dem alot oso!! mummy lar!! bought my fav DUCK! n got my fac VEGE plus my fav TAU FU FA n my fav GRAPES!!!!! n worst still i ate my dinner at 9.15 at nite!!! c la! how on earth m i not gonna gain weight?!! aiyor~~~ today rt...oni i noe actually my other colleagues n all dun like my boss alot one... purposely dun wanna call her for lunch... haiyo.. dunno them ler.. they hav alot of conflicts one... anyway.. gtg oi oi dy!! tmr morning hav to go che cheong gai buy curry puff for them!!!

Haihz....

very long din update my blog dy... coz had been very busy working.. working is so so SIEN!! today.. i really really din wanna go to work at all!! so in the morning bout7.30 when i woke up i really dun wanna go to work at al!! so u noe wat i did.. haha.. i pretended that i had stomachache n din go to work at the end... lol!! i m so naive i know... i juz really need a break!! haha... working is hell boring! my dad totally by it.. haha.. i know my acting skills very gd hehe.. mavis n may told me b4 haha... but i dun simply use acting skills on ppl k! oni when is emergency!! managed to escape work today... but tmr dunno how to face helena.. :( today i called her n tel her i m sick cant go work... she din even say anythin... juz say ah ah ah ok bye... omg!! how??!!!!!!! i tink she really very angry n tink i m so dem lazy n all!!! die lar!! dunno how to face her tmr!!! :( :( :(


haihz u noe.. so many days dy i oso never receive an sms from him... i dunno y i except it... haihz.. he is really someone special to me... haihz... i tink its bcoz tat day i sms him den he say he busy wor.. den sms me later.. but he din.. i shud hav known one... juz tat argh!! dunno y i stil stil wait for his sms... y he wanna say he wil sms me bck!! dun say tat... dun make me wait... n tat day i rmbr when i called him 2 clear things out, he said he wil call me tmr... but he din also!! n i stil waited!! haihz... wait n wait n wait... jo ar jo!!! can u plz wake up?! tat day jia shyuan told me, if someone realy cares bout u, tat person wil never ever hurt u... if someone always makes u sad n makes u hurt n makes u cry, den y do u stil wanna hav hopes n stil wanna wait for tis person to come to u?? i dunno how to answer him... i noe my biggest weakness is tat i oni fall for gd looking guys.. even if tis guy hurt me how many times.. i stil stil in my heart one part of my part stil like him... tats my prob! i wanna let gd looking guys hurt me! y m i like dat?! my cousin told me yesterday.. 'leng zai mou buen sam' she told me leng zai thinks they dem gd so they wont treasure u .. to them even if they lose u, there r so many gals for them out there... u r juz one of the random gals in their life.. wat she sed is true... i noe it is... she ask me to giv chance to other guys dun oni fal for handsome guys.. den u wont get hurt... wil b very hang fuk coz they wil really treasure u n take care of u... i wanna change too!! but its so hard! i juz cant i dunno y!!! haihz... jo plz plz wake up!!! dun wait anymore plz!!! can u plz dun wait anymore!!!!

Friends forever...

today i received a reply from him... he has his point... n so do i... well the conclusion is that we both have wrong.. n we both owe each other a sry... i shouldn't say forever no need to come n stuffs.. its juz at that moment i was truly superbly hurt... very very hurt... u know.. the main main reason y i was so pissed is not exactly bcoz he ffk... i can understand that ok he was sick... wat really upsets me is that he din sincerely say sry.. its not i want him so please me... its not tat... it tat i tink i really really deserve a truly sincere apology after wat happened... u have no idea how dumb n stupid n lonely n hurt i felt tat day... the fact that he din say a sincere sry to me after 3 weeks is the main reason y i was angry... n its not tat i din try.. i rmbr tat day i sms him n ask whether he goin to rufimy's bday party.. he sed he is not invited, glad can help me den straight away good nite.. tat was a good time to apologize rt? anyway... its doesnt matter anymore... we r ok dy... hopefully.. i juz hope he wont b super pissed after he read my post on that day... tat was purely how i felt tat day n purely my own thoughts.. plz dont take it too personally... anyway.. i m fine now dy... juz tat i realised we really dun understand each other at all... sadly... tats y we can always oni at its best, b super gd frens... suddenly tot of one thing.. we really wat also become b4... normal frens, close frens, couple, enemy and now buddies... i juz really hope the same thing wont repeat agn... dun ever wanna get hurt like tat ever every agn...


anyway... today i received call from OCBC!!!! yes!! i m gonna work at OCBC!! haha... finally can get a job related to my course... well i must not b too happy yet... muz wait til everythin is confirmed tmr!! but now my major prob is how m i gonna tel helena i wanna leave?? wat if she angry at me?? or dun wanna let me leave?? aiyor... its so hard to even bring it up!!! sei mou!! aiyo... dear god... plz tel me wat to do:S

Finally..

today... i finally received an apolody msg from johnny.. actually he sent it laz nite but i din read.. it was quite coincidence tat i read it.. coz i never check my friendster messages one.. juz now i wanted to press freind request den accidentally pressed new message.. anyway, i m not ready to forgive him yet.. i m not acting great or wat so ever... i juz wanna hear his reason 1st... if there is a reason of coz i will listen to it.. but i hope its the REAL reason... not some made-up crap.. anyway.. i m really surprised to receive his msg.. really tot he wil never ever say sry... u can say my feelings is suprised + shocked + delighted + relief.. haihz... pathetic me... :S but no matter wat... after tis incident i hope i really learn a lesson... learn to protect myself from getting heartbroken.. learn to beware of heartbreakers haha... well actually wat i really hope is he can call me n say sry... i noe its hard for a guy to say sry coz they r so so ego! but to me... if i can hear it.. or even better see it... den it is the most sincere... haihz.. guess i shudnt dream so much!!


anyway... work was ok today... i got to leave at 7 today! coz i finish my work early!! but i tink i might wanna quit the job in 2 weeks time... kinda bored wif it dy... haha... well helena treats me very gd... so does all my colleagues... mayb its juz tat i feel its not the right place for me! lol... i m so emo!! well... have to wait for OCBC to call me c when i can get my internship 1st b4 i quit citibank... hope they call me tmr!!!


tis afternoon as usual went to eat lunch wif jia shyuan... today we went kim gary! wah i din noe the price there increased so much!! one cheese baked rice costs rm14.90!!! crazy!! haha... actually today wanted to eat wif khor also coz i fell bad for always treating him so mean.. but i juz cant!! i actually asked him to join us for lunch... i really din expect he stil agrees after me telling him jia shyuan is my bf n ask him to join me n my bf for lunch!! tis guy is really........ but luckily i manage to 'ditch' him by saying jia shyuan's mum eating wif us also haha... den oni he din follow... phew... lol... i m so so mean!!! haihz actually i dun wanna b like tat also... but i scared i give him false hopes... khor... plz dont dont waste time on me anymore... i wil never ever like u... haihz how i wish i can tel him tis driectly... den no need everyday so san fu hav to avoid him.. but sometimes i feel sry for him coz he asks he so many times to lunch i also say excuses n reject... hope he really un lar...


aiyor... 1 somethin dy.. shud b sleepin now... k update tmr if got time!

Saddest, most disapponting, most heartbroken, loneliest, angriest day of my life

i know today is not 8th of july n 8th was yesterday... but i really cannot help it n i MUST write down wat a lousy n sad day i had...before tat day i was so so excited n anticipating for tat day to come coz i can go out n hav fun wif johnny n carmen n king ji juz like how great it went laz laz sunday...

BUT all my hopes VANISH... tat day turns out to b such a terrible disaster... the sadness n disappoinment i felt was realy indescribable... i m NOT EXAGGERATING! it really hurts so so much... becoz of him!! how come tis always happens?? is it i owe him in my past life tat tis life i hav to get hurt by him so many times over n over agn!!! how many times is it gonna happen?? no matter how much i tel myself to take it easy n juz forget it.. I CANT COZ! he is NOT juz a fren! not JUZ an odinary fren to me... he is much much more than a fren to me... i want to treat him as JUZ a fren also but i cant... coz i very very soft-hearted towards him... no matter how many times he hurt me so so deeply, i stil fogive him at the end... i still go bck to him.. but not now not ever agn! i dun want it to b always me getting so upset becoz of him while he havin fun, laughing away wif his girl frens around.. he doesnt care! he doesnt!! its so so upsetting so so SAD!!!

b4 sunday, the whole week i had been thinking of wat to wear on sunday to look my best to go out wif him.. wat top to match my jeans? or mayb i shud wear a skirt? can u believe me?? i so want to impress tis guy here but to him i m his doll! his soft toy!! his sponge wat ever u call tat... until tat day oni i noe that i m so "important" to him... until tat day oni i noe where i stand in his heart... i m no where near special to him... all his words... all crap n me as dumb as ever believe every single word he sed no matter how many gazillion times i have heard those sweet talk... actually no! not until tat day oni i noe... actually i knew it all along... i knew it since the day we get together but why i keep on lying to myself tat he changed.. he is not gonna hurt me anymore.. he really treats me as a special fren.. he really cares bout me... all the while i couldnt make myself to believe the truth... i can say honestly until tis moment i stil trust him even thou so so dem freaking bloody deeply he hurt me...


u noe wat i did tat day?? tat was the worst of the worst days ever.. my dad at 1st already dun let me go out... u noe how hard is it for me to persuade him? we even quarrelled bcoz of tis... luckily my mum din disallow me to go... she never say anythin... actually i noe she likes me to go out wif johnny... she does! its so dem obvious.. even my cousins can tell that she likes him.. but wat's the point mum? tis guy here doesnt even like ur daughter one bit ok! anyway, tat day when i was in the car, i sms him.. NO REPLY den i called... NO ONE PICK UP.. called agn 2nd time.. NO ONE PICK UP AGN... after that I reach MV.. I called Carmen she said she cant contact him either.. dunno y at that moment I really wasn't worried at all.. I juz really believe tat he wil come n he wont he wont ffk.. he wont he's not like tat… on my way to MV n even when I walk to the cinema, even after I met Carmen n she told me tat she cant reach him n he is not here, I STIL STIL I SWEAR TO GOD I STIL BELIEVE THAT HE WIL COME… I tot of thousands of possibilities.. mayb his phone was in silent, mayb the lrt too noisy n he cant hear it ringing, mayb he is on his way rushing here dy.. mayb the lrt stuck half way so he is late.. mayb he went to church n it delayed awhile… tons n tons of maybs… but one thing I wil never hav tot of is the truth… I started to worry when it was our turn to get the tickets… shud I buy for him? Wil he come?? So many questions popped up in my mind.. in the end, I din buy his ticket, neither did I bought for myself.. wat u expect me to do? Watch together wif Carmen n her bf??????? Wil u even b willing to b tis huge, shiny lamp post?? Btw… u noe when I reached, I was already very depressed tat Johnny wasn't there n I cant contact him after SO SO SO MANY CALLS N SMS… but Carmen her main concern was her bf… I was depressed but al she sed was jo dun like tat… u noe Johnny la he always like tat one… den she keeps on trying to tum king ji coz he was angry wif her coz she took off his cap… omg give me a break! Ok!! I noe I hav no rights to blame her… I was just really really disappointd at that moment until I cant even think straight…

Carmen n king ji bought 2 movie tics n they went to watch transformers I tink… I din join them 1stly coz I watched it dy n wil b watchin wif my family at 6 o’clock… I dun wanna watch d movie 3 times. 2ndly I dun wan to b a huge lamp post. 3rdly n most importantly I really hav absolutely NO MOOD!! I was at the edge of crying already ok!! It suddenly reminds me of last time in form 4 when Johnny promised me to go to the mall wif me to celebrate may shan’s bday n in the end he din go n u noe wat… after school he din wait for me. ntg. den when I rushed to the lrt station, I saw him n all he said was I m not goin dy.. bye.. n den I just stood there n looked at him board the lrt n left. At that moment my heart really crushed n really heartbroken… I teared after that.. I cant comtrol my emotions.. al this while my emotions was not under my control.. but under his… I wil b happy when I c him happy.. when he's upset I wil b the same too.. everytime he got prob I oso wish I can b there to share it wif him n help him solve it… but tis time, in mv, I didn’t cry… I was juz as heartbroken as the lrt incident actually even more heartbroken but I guess its really too too upset or it is bcoz I cried too many times over tis person dy until no tears can fall for him anymore.. u might think tis is crap tat I m talking about… but no its true… its not tat I'm not sad, it is I m too sad..

After Carmen n king ji bought 2 tics they left for lunch then movies.. Carmen did asked me to join her but how could i? I was so low I dun wanna bring down their mood.. so I left them… I spent the WHOLE FIVE HOURS WANDERING THE WHOLE MV!!!! 5 COMPLETE HOURS ALONE!! Really ALONE!!! Juz walk n walk n walk… I din enter any shop… I was not in a mood for shopping anyway… everytime when I m sad I wil eat a lot a a lot … tats my way to release sadness… so after 2 hrs of wandering here n there alone… I went to mph n tried to read a book… but ntg went in absolutely ntg!! I read the 1 st page for 5 times n I stil dun get the story bcoz in my mind I kept on thinking bout him.. over n over agn… how can he do tis to me? Why cant he b here? Why does this happens to me? U noe.. I wont b tat depressed tat angry tat upset if he juz sincerely apologize.. all he needs to do is juz a call… n a sincere sry… tats it.. I would b fine… is tat too much to ask for? But sadly… he did none… I stil couldn’t believe truth until I received his 1 single only sms n tis was wat he sed : ‘hey sorry sorry I juz woke up… I m not feeling well le…’ omg!! I really really… my heart really juz crushed… I did reply him even thou I was super pissed dy… I sed no need come forever no need come… n after tat no reply from him any more until tis very moment… is tis wat he shud do? Juz completely ignore wat happened? Has he tot bout my feelings? Tat how hurt I was by him? No he din… these past few days… every time when I get a msg or a call, I really hope tat his name will appear… I really hope tat it was a call or msg form him to apologize… even thou I try very hard to shut him out of my mind but it din work… I even dreamt bout him! Gosh… even when I was walking, in the car, working, sitting standing, showering, sleeping I oso keep thinking bout him! Wat happened to me?
Really feel like crying every single day…

Tat day… after I went mph for half n hr, I went to the lower ground where the whole level sells food… then I juz kept on buying food n eat.. I ate auntie anne, dunkin donuts, cinnamon, 1901 hot dogs, tako, cupcakes n so on… n the weirdest of all I went to jusco n bought 3 packets of durian for rm 10 and sat on the bench by myself all alone n eat durian… I swear so many ppl were staring at me.. but I really din care bout image then… I juz really really super super heart broken I really dunno how to describe dy… its like my heart is bleeding so much n hurting so much…

Tis person, Johnny chong, even thou I noe I m not the person he loves most but he is to me a person that,
I used to love the most
I treasure the most
I never want to lose
I really hope to share all my happiness n sadness with
I cried the most times for
I hope wil care bout me
I hope will think n care bout my feelings
I hope wil b there for me when I m sad or down
Hurts me most deeply
Hurts me the most no of times
makes me think of him so much
Makes me cant ever let go of him
Makes me fall for him even thou he juz did a slightest sweet thing
Makes my heart melts even thou he juz said the word dear which he says to every single girl
Makes me so angry n yet stil wanna forgive him
Makes me miss him n wait for him



I m pathetic right? Like someone so deeply until like tat… I noe I m pathetic so from today onwards I already told n promised my self I m not gonna go bck to him… coz everytime something happens I m always the one who says sry 1st, the one who contact him 1st.. I never wanna b like that dy… I never ever wanna b like tat anymore… I wil NOT CONTACT HIM n WIL NOT FORGIVE HIM until he sincerely apologize… I cant keep on giving him… I m hurting myself like tat… I noe all his words are all lies, crap n bull shit… I really need to stop stop letting tis guy hurt me… if tis continues I dunno how I can stand bck up anymore… to this guy I really sam tam dy… really really sam tam… I have never felt so played b4:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

I got a job!!!!

today very very happy!! i got a job at citibank... i m officially NOT JOBLESS!! weeee.... it was really dem impromptu.. renee suddenly juz called me den ask me go for interview at 4.30 n it was already 3.45 when she called plus i hav to travel frim the mall to ampang park... fuiyo.. anyway, i made it!!

my job:

post ~ admin support
floor ~ lvl 43
place ~ citibank
working hrs ~ 9 to 5 BUT hav to do OT everyday to 7
Salary ~ rm1500 +++
Job ~ scanning, filing, check doc, all computer work
Boss ~ helena
New frens ~ zero
ppl i met today ~ helena, annie, n stella(i tink) cant rmbr:S

well... wat do u tink? not bad rt for a start... i tink its better than customer service!!! hahaha... well i juz wanna say... ok i was wrong bout roger.. he did helped me find tis job... thx roger... hehe:P

besides that, today i went out wif adrian... haha i really gotta apologise to him.. tat poor guy travel from sedaya al the way to the mall to meet me den hav to follow me to ampang park n wait for me to finish interview so he hand around there alone but i waited for him for half an hr in nikko hotel ok!!! haha... so den we went klcc... chat n drank coffee bean.. ( he drank sky juice) haha... well i belanja him sky juice n half of the waffle lol... well has been long since we laz met.. really talked for quite long.. haha..:D he is a gd fren..

then at nite when i on9 suddenly tink of him agn( NOT ADRIAN Ok!) wonder how he is doin there? dunno whether he got tink of me or not... hmmm... dunno when i can meet him also... hopefully can go london meet him during half term..:(

tmr i'm goin to 1 u with pin ru, yet shin, wei jian n yunnie i tink... wonder if johnny wil come.. well he promised me.. but dunno if he wil ffk... if he really ffk, i'll surely b very disappointed:( hope he wont...

Nokia N95

Ohya... juz forgot to mention..my dad got a nokia N95 hp for free!! n he's gonna give it to me!! weee...... i love my dad so much! muaxxies!!

Haihz lost my job:(

today was the first day of my new job in citibank as customer service officer.. at first i really had no idea how dull this job would b... i looked forward to it some more... but this morning when i reached citibank... i juz realised my phone ran out of credit!! jia lat rt?? den i couldn't contact danny... luckily i manage to top up...


then tis whole morning went wif danny around the whole building to deliver documents.. wah... some of the higher posts officers really very chuen u know... 'juz put it down.' tats al they said.. not even a thx you but some r quite friendly also... :) after that went to lvl 1 so stayed there til lunch time to assist customers... i'm really unluckily.. 1st day already kena scolded by customers!! :S


at lunch i really wanna quit tis job and transfer to admin.. so went to adecco den tat guy roger make me wait n wait for him.. but actually i m the stupid one as well.. haihz.. i really really SHOULDN'T have told him that i oni work for 1 month! why do i always do al tis things... my dear god... plz bless me wif some intelligence... i always say n do stupid things n at the end!! I LOST MY JOB!! so i m now officially JOBLESS!! dem it! well i have no one to blame except for my stupid mouth!! juz as wat danny said.. i dig my own grave, jump into the hole n bury myself in it...


well... at least its a valuable lesson... the people i met today are all really nice... especially danny... he taught me alot of things even thou i oni work for half day... THX YOU SI FU!! n my good partner Khor... thx you to u 2! n also to evelyn... thx for the lunch treat!! so i went klcc after tat, window shopping oni!! sien!! no $ also... can't buy anything:( den i went bck adecco BUT argh!!! tat guy he told me his colleague recommend the job to someone else dy n she GOT IT!!!! he purposely dun wanna give me ok!! coz i went there b4 her i swear!!! tat guy is such a tooooootttttt!!!!!! CHILL jo... its over... CHILLAX!!!


anyway, at the end of the day stil quite happy coz i ate alot alot alot of durains for dinner!! wahh so so yummy!!! my fav DURIAN ar!! irresistable!! no wonder i gained so much weight tis week!! but durian's temptation really... i SURRENDER!! haha... but stil fat dy... dunno wat they'll say when they c me on sat... haihz tmr dunno can do wat at home all day... ohya!! have to meet adrian at 3!! cannot forget hehe..

M i so weak?

tis is my first blog n also the 1st time i start blogging.. coz there r some things tat i really dunno how to express it out but really wanna say it out... u noe wat i means rt? well its just.. i dunno wat's wif me! do i really like him? sometimes yes but sometimes no.. i dunno tats the right answer! but i dont like tat answer! i tink its juz i too 'sam yun' dy:S like if he do a lil bit or say a lil bit den i wil hav feelings for him agn even thou tat feeling had been long gone! its juz... y is it always like tat?! always repeating! i dun trust him! i noe i dun yet i like him i tink! well... i miss him if i dun c him n wil wait for his call if he promised me to call me.. wil get disappointed if he doesn't call.. well all tis.. ya means i like him rt?! but sometimes i worry when i m on the phone wif him.. coz i m scared tat we suddenly hav no topic or the conversation became weird... gosh! wats wrong wif me! tis guy really always make me wait man! n some more! i dunno how many gals around him! he always like tat.. treats me so good den make me frm zero feelings for him until like him den suddenly when she starts to talk bck to him den he goes to her! wth! wat i m?? i sponge is it??!!! oni without her, he comes to me!!! i noe i noe all along tat i m oni her replacement! so jo!!! wake up!! u MUST BE STRONG!!! omg c la!!! call me dear agn!! den juz now on9 dun even wanna talk to me!!! now call me dear!!! wtf!!!! wahh... i m goin crazy!!! c wat i mean??!! juz one word DEAR!!! den my whole heart like MELTED! den i forget bout all the bad things!!! i m such a wimp!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!